So, in case you all on the other side of the pond haven't heard, France passed a law legalizing gay marriage and adoption about a week ago. It's a really amazing thing. I even got to go down to the Assemblé Nationale and stand outside when they announce the successful passage of the law. Unfortunately, it was a spur-of-the-moment thing I decided to do on my way home from class, so I didn't have my camera with me. Here's what I'll say, though: the screams of delight, expressions of love, and general jubilation far outweighed the boos and shouts of disgust from the right-wing protestors. After I got home that night, I had a very interesting conversation with my host Mom which got me thinking about French culture and how this new law works within the French social construct.
First off, here's what the law entails. Same-sex civil unions have been legal in France for quite a while. In France, when a couple wishes to be married, they do a secular civil service first, then (if they so desire) a religious service. The two are completely separate. A civil union is available for both straight and gay couples, and is not the same as the secular marriage I just mentioned. It's basically a contract between two consenting adults that has more to do with finances and business. The main thing has to do with property rights and adoption. What this new law does is declares gay couples married and allows them to adopt. Since surrogacy is not yet legal in France and medically-assisted reproduction is only available to straight married couples with documented fertility issues, this is a huge thing. Before now, French gay couples had basically no options for parenting. Which leads me to the cultural observations I've made since I got here.
One thing you have to understand about French culture is that the idea of the nuclear family is still at the forefront of the culture. That's to say, a man is not expected to do much in the area of cooking, cleaning, laundry, or even really raising the kids. That is the woman's job. While France actually passed their version of the ERA (the Equal Rights Amendment-- to be clear, the US never actually passed this amendment; don't get me started on that), so they are entitled to equal pay for equal work, paid family leave, etc., there's still a predominant patriarchy in French culture. Women do the domestic stuff, while men do the money-earning. Women still work, but there's more domestic expectation here than back in the States. For many years now, I've been taught by my parents and teachers that when it comes to cultural differences, "it's not good, it's not bad, it's just different." During my time in France, I've taken that a step further. When a French person says or does something I think is crazy, or racist or sexist, I stop myself for a moment and think about what I know about French culture. Where does this crazy/sexist/racist idea come from? How does their culture inform this idea? In other words, I try to think about the issue from the French perspective and gain an understanding of the thought process. It helps me understand where they're coming from and not completely bite their head off when they say something that may be somewhat offensive or just something I don't agree with at all.
Which brings me to this conversation with my host-Mom, Isabelle. So Isabelle is pretty moderate. She's no Marie Le Pen (go look her up if you don't know; she makes the Tea Party Republicans look like Al Gore), but she's not as left-leaning as I am. Though, to be fair, I'm pretty far to the left, so that's not really saying much. Anyway, for her, this whole marriage issue for her was about the kids. The conversation started off with her wanting to know the intimate details of my sister and her wife's family, and how it all worked. That is generally a conversation I avoid, because a) it's not my story to tell, and b) I really don't think it matters how my two beautiful nieces came into this world. All that really matters is that they are happy, loved and cherished by basically everyone they meet, including both their Moms, and our pretty large family. Particularly this very proud aunt right here. I tried to dodge the questions as best I could, but Isabelle is a shrink, so she pushed until I pointed out that American families tend to be a little different from French ones. In France, parenting is almost always done by the mother and the father. Grandparents rarely raise children on their own, single fathers are virtually unheard of, and a two-parent home that consists of something other than a married couple (for example, a single mom and her mother) is pretty unusual. Eventually she accepted the idea of families being different, and just let it go. But then she moved on to the topic of male gay parents.
I'd like to start off by saying that it should be very clear here that what I'm about to say is my host-Mom's opinion. I don't share it. I've come to understand where she's coming from in the context of her culture, but I definitely don't agree. So while I tell you about the rest of this conversation, I want you to remember what I said earlier about gender roles in the French household, particularly with regards to men. At this point, my host-Mom basically said she didn't think gay men could or should ever be parents. Why? Because men are not capable of having the sort of bond with a child that a woman enjoys. They also just don't know how to raise children. They aren't psychologically equipped for it, and so can't be trusted with the welfare of a child. Now, to be clear, Isabelle isn't so crazy about adoption at all. She has a strong belief that the biological bond between blood relations is stronger than basically anything else, and that a child raised by someone other than their blood relatives won't receive the love and support he or she needs. Now if you know me, you know that I absolutely disagree with that sort of thinking. I have to, with my family. I love all of my sisters equally, from my adopted little sister to my full biological sister to my half sister to my sister-in-law. And we none of us differentiate. We are all sisters. Now, normally, that sort of argument would rile me up and make me want to talk her out of this belief. But when I think about it in the context of her culture, I honestly can't hold it against her. A culture that is still dominated by a Catholicism that says reproduction is for God to decide. A culture also dominated by a patriarchal family structure. If we all really think about it, I don't think anyone can hold her beliefs against her personally.
My point in writing all this tonight actually has nothing to do with marriage equality. If you know me, you know that it is an issue near and dear to my heart; but honestly, that has absolutely nothing to do with this post. This has nothing to do with politics. This is about cultural understanding and communication. We live in a world where cultures clash violently. Nearly every war going on today was basically caused by different cultures refusing to even consider the idea that cultural differences aren't bad. They're just that; differences. How many arguments would we be able to stop, from the petty trivial stuff between ordinary people to the major acts of war between conflicting nations, by simply thinking about the cultural and ideological context surrounding the issue from both perspectives? So I'll leave you with this last bit of advice. The next time someone says something you disagree with, whether it's just a mild disagreement or vehement one, don't think about their perspective as "bad" or "wrong." Instead, try to think of it as just "different." Ask yourself where they're coming from, listen to what they have to say and try to really think about the logic behind the argument. I can tell you, life is so much more enjoyable when you're enjoying the diversity of ideas rather than passing judgement on those who are different from you.
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